Tired
by TheMagnaka
Summary: Merlin is tired of everything. whump and angst. Set through the series. Slight AU
1. Part 1 Tired

Original one shot Tired of everything found Merlin's Days

Beta by TheJunebug1218 (Thank you again :)

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><p>Sometimes he felt it.<p>

How tired he was.

Tired of everything.

He sat down on the cold ground and leaned against the tree.

He watched the sunset color Camelot's white walls.

He knew that he should hurry. The gate was about to close for night.

But he couldn't move.

He was too tired to get up and walk.

Up.

Walk.

Through the gate.

To home.

But he was tired.

He was holding too many secrets nowadays.

He was overloaded with work.

Work, work, and more work to do.

Protect Camelot.

Protect the prince, the regent.

He looked at the basket beside him.

Herbs.

Gaius.

He felt bitterness.

Lancelot, Gwaine and Percival were knights now for heaven's sake.

Gwen was going to marry Arthur some day. Be the queen of Albion.

And there was him, Merlin, same old Merlin, when everything around him was slowly changing.

Still a servant.

Still watching from the shadows.

Tired.

Just too much to do.

More enemies everywhere.

Merlin rubbed his eyes. He didn't even feel his magic right now. The spell veered out his power and he needed good night's sleep. For the past couple weeks, he was always coming and going and now all of it was taking its toll him. Every muscle ached. He hadn't slept more than a couple hours last night.

He looked at the sky over him and the first stars.

It was such a peaceful and calm sight.

His eyes began to close.

Tired.

He was tired of everything.

He fell asleep.


	2. Smile

Arthur waited.

He became angry.

When dark was falling, he became really angry, and hungry.

He was about to send another servant to get food for him, when he remembered that Merlin was always doing his chores by himself.

Arthur leaned back in his chair.

He really couldn't remember when another servant had done anything around him.

Merlin was always there.

But surely there was someone who helped Merlin.

How would he be able to successfully do all of his work by himself?

Merlin was always late, but he always came, smiling.

That smile.

Arthur frowned.

That smile, he couldn't remember when he had seen Merlin's smile last time.

In the morning?

Merlin was late. He walked in and…

No, no he had not smiled.

All day he had been there, close to his prince. Fulfilling his every order. Come and gone. Then Arthur had begun to do some paperwork, and Merlin was gone. But not returned.

Maybe Gaius was…

Right, Merlin was Gaius's ward and…

Arthur stood up and walked to the window.

Merlin usually helped Gaius too.

Nowadays Arthur was busier than ever.

He needed help and Merlin has always there, helping him.

How much extra work did he deal with, when in reality wouldn't have belonged to him? But Arthur wasn't questioned, and Merlin hadn't said anything.

But today Merlin hadn't smiled.

Why hadn't he smiled yesterday?

It seemed that they had not talked much recently.

Arthur couldn't remember when he last laughed.

Merlin always made him laugh.

He said something, or did something. It always helped him feel better, relieved of his burden. Nothing big, just, something everyday. Helping Arthur to endure day after day.

But not recently.

Merlin was just a shadow behind him.

Like a good servant should be.

Servant…

Arthur knew very well what Merlin was, and he wasn't just a servant to Arthur.

Merlin was there, beside of him every time he was needed. Helping Arthur without asking.

He was the man who Arthur trusted most.

He was the man which Arthur leaned every day without noticing it.

His small words of wisdom.

Always there when Arthur was sinking into despair.

Arthur noticed the gate closed.

A half hour later Arthur left the room.

Merlin hadn't come yet.


	3. Lost

Gaius put the pot on the table and looked at an empty bench.

Merlin had still not come back.

He hoped that Merlin was with Arthur.

When the door opened, his hopes rose.

But when Arthur came in, concern took over.

Arthur looked at the old physician. "So, he isn't here."

Gaius shook his head. "I sent him to pick herbs from the forest."

"The forest? Maybe something has happened." Arthur thought and watched the flames dance in the fireplace.

"He…" Gaius started but stopped. He hesitated.

Arthur turned to look at him. "He what?"

Gaius sat down. "Recently, he has not been himself."

Arthur rubbed tiredly his eyes. "I know, but I noticed only moment ago."

Gaius smiled. "He is good at hiding things."

"So it's seems." Arthur sighed. "I better find him. I'll go ask Lancelot, or Gwaine, if they know something."

Gaius nodded. He felt so useless. "Find him. Please."

()

Arthur found Lancelot, Percival and Elyan having dinner with Gwen.

No, no one had see Merlin.

Surprisingly they found Gwaine in the stables, brushing his horse.

No, he hadn't see Merlin either.

They searched the city.

Its streets and alleys.

But Arthur knew.

He ordered to saddle his horse.

"No. You're regent, remember. You can't worry over mere servant. You've done enough already. We will go." Leon stopped him.

Servant.

Merlin wasn't servant…

He was…

Arthur retreated.

Right, and he was regent.

He watched as Leon, Gwaine and Lancelot rode through the gate into the night.


	4. Found him

It was dark.

Torches lit the night up poorly.

They searched for him where Gaius believed him to be.

They didn't find him.

"We have to return. We can't find him like this." Leon said finally.

Gwaine swore loudly.

They stopped at the hill, watching over Camelot.

"If there have been bandits…" Leon said.

"No." Lancelot grimaced.

Bandits were no trouble to the warlock.

Then Gwaine saw something.

He rushed his horse forward.

Someone was leaning against the tree.

Someone with a brown jacket.

"Here! I found him!" Gwaine yelled. "Thank the gods. Arthur would kill us if we didn't find him. Hey, Merlin, wake up."

He came down from his horse's back, kneeled and shook Merlin.

"Hey, sleepyhead, it is almost morning. You should wake up already. Merlin? Lancelot! I can't…."

Lancelot watched his friends pale face.

"Merlin, my friend, wake up." He placed his hand over Merlin's forehead. "Oh, this is not good. I think he has a fever."

"Right. If he hadn't been here all night, then I would wonder. Come on Merlin, hop, up and go. Lancelot, help me. Leon, we'll put him in front of you."

"Of course."

They raised Merlin's too light body.

"Oh, he is just too light. How can he be so tall, yet be so thin? We have to see to it that he eats some more." Gwaine sighed.

"I don't think that is main problem right now. He still isn't awake." Lancelot was truly worried now. Merlin's head rested now Leon's shoulder and he was burning hot.

"Can you handle him?" Gwaine asked.

"Yes, let's go."


	5. No!

Merlin opened his eyes.

His eyelids were heavy.

Tired.

There was no sky or stars above him.

There were rafters that looked familiar.

He turned his head and saw Gaius snoring in the nearest chair.

Then his eyes wandered over to the other person who fussed in front of the fireplace.

"Art-r."

The prince's head turned to see him. "Merlin, thank god you are awake."

"Tir-d."

"How you can be tired? You have slept almost a week." Arthur rushed overto him.

"We-k?"

"I sent the knights to search for you when we didn't find you here, in the castle. Or the city. They found you outside of the castle gates, in the surrounding woods. And no one could get you to wake up. You have had a high fever." Arthur touched his forehead. "It's gone now."

"So-y."

Arthur shook his head . "Why? Don't be stupid. But what happened to you? Why did you sleep in the forest?"

"Tired. Too tir- of eve-ing." Merlin shut his eyes again. He didn't want to see Arthur right now.

He wanted to be alone.

He was still so tired.

"Merlin, can you hear me my boy?"

New voice.

"Gai-s?"

"Open your eyes, good boy. Look me. Tell me what's wrong?" Gaius begged.

Merlin tried to remember.

He smiled.

"I saw Freya."

Arthur saw Gaius twitch. "Dear boy. She's dead."

"I sa- her in the la-e. I miss her. Avalon's water." Merlin shut his eyes again.

"Merlin? Don't sleep yet."

"T-red. Mi- her. I want to be with h-r. Let me sleep. Let me be in peace." Merlin's voice was only a whisper.

"No, stay with me!" Gaius raised his voice.

"Gaius, what's going on?" Arthur demanded to know.

He looked terrified as Merlin drifted away.

He looked so peaceful.

And Gaius who looked too panicked.

And then Merlin stopped moving.

Everything seemed to stop.

"No!"


	6. Awake

"No!"

Arthur brushed Gaius aside.

"No, Merlin! Listen to me. Please. I'm not allowing you to do this to us, do you hear me Merlin?"

Arthur heard Gaius try to say something to him.

"Gods I haven't slept all week. I'm waited you to wake up. And now you do this. This time when I need you most. Do you really think that I can handle this all by myself? I need your odd words that could be, and if you ever told anyone what I say now I will kill you myself, good advise sometimes. I need someone who say something to me when I'm wrong. Who will tell me the truth. Who will stay with me when everybody else is running away. I need you Merlin. Wake up you idiot!"

Nothing.

Arthur sighed.

He felt as if all hope was running out.

He grabbed Merlin's hand in his own.

He tried to speak calmly.

"I'm so sorry that I didn't say this before. That I didn't realize that you were so tired. Why do you always sacrifice yourself and never say anything? I don't know this Freya, but she seems so close to you even if she is dead. But here there are living people waiting for you. People who need you. If you die now, do you know how many are sworn to cut my head off? Too many. I had no idea that you were so popular Merlin. That you know so many. That there are so many who need you. Please Merlin, come back. The living needs you here."

Nothing.

Arthur let the hand drop.

He felt empty.

Gaius checked Merlin's breathing.

Nothing.

Arthur turned away.

He couldn't believe it.

He didn't want to see it.

He began to tremble.

Then he heard Gaius say. "Merlin?"

Arthur looked up.

He saw Merlin take a gasping breath.

Then another one.

Gaius sat down. "He is back. Thank you Arthur."

Arthur stared how Merlin breathed again.

"What is going on?" Arthur demanded to know.

Gaius startled. "What you mean sire?"

"With Merlin. Who is Freya? He has never mentioned her to me. Now that I think about it, he never tells me anything. He talks a lot, but never about anything, personal." Arthur pondered.

Gaius avoided looking at prince, but he knew that he had to say something.

"I think that Merlin will have to tell you himself, but don't expect that happening very soon. I'll say only this. There are… secrets, and now isn't the time to reveal them. Just, trust Merlin. What ever is going to happen, believe him, like you always do."

Arthur turned to stare to Gaius.

Then he looked back at Merlin.

His chest finally rising up and down, slowly and steadily.

"You know that I trust him more than anyone. I just hope that he trusts me the same way." He finally said.

Gaius smiled. "He does. Now, go. You have to sleep. I'll send you word when he is awake again."

Arthur nodded. Suddenly he felt really tired. "Alright. I think that I'll go visit Gwaine and the others. And then I'll go to sleep."

"That's a good idea sire. Good night."

"Good night Gaius."


	7. The work never ends

_This is owned to MamzelleHermy because she requested this. I hope this is what you wanted LOL_

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><p>Gaius was angry at him.<p>

When he offered the medicine it was bitterer than ever.

He made sure that Merlin really ate all of the food that covered his plate.

He said that everything was fine and Merlin was recovering fast.

Like always.

And still he locked Merlin in his room, not allowing him to move anywhere for days.

He said that Merlin was stupid when he didn't say anything about how tired he was.

Merlin apologized.

He promised that was going to be more careful, but reminded his guardian that he was the only one who was capable of protect Camelot with magic.

Gaius had to admit that.

But he still thought that Merlin was too selfless.

Finally Merlin snapped.

"Are you serious Gaius? I work for you, I work for Arthur, I protect this land, this city and its king and heir. I have nobody helping me because I can't tell anyone. Yes, there are you and Lancelot but that is not enough. "

Gaius blinked his eyes.

"I know. I hope that someday, someday you can be free Merlin." Gaius sighed. "And I'm sorry that so many depend on you so much. Maybe I'm being to harsh."

"No Gaius, it's just… That there is nobody else right now. My life is so complicated. I can't let my guard down. Let myself feel…" Merlin fall silent.

Gaius realized that there was going on much more than what he was realized. Merlin was lonely. He couldn't just trust anybody. And he still deeply loved Freya. Merlin lost so much and gained so little.

"I have to go." Merlin said.

"Merlin…"

"Don't worry Gaius. I've made my choice. But I promise that this in not going to happen again anytime soon."

He left, walked through the corridors and stopped behind the door.

Merlin took a deep breath.

Because Gaius had kept his entire friend's visiting at a minimum, he hadn't talked with Arthur yet.

Now he just had to face him.

He opened the prince's door and walked inside.

()

Arthur saw Merlin work as if he had not been gone for two weeks.

Merlin hymned that ridiculous song, but Arthur had to admit to himself that he actually missed it.

And now he knew that Merlin was okay.

But one thing was still bothering him.

"Don't you trust me Merlin?" Arthur asked suddenly.

Merlin spun around and watched Arthur, his eyes wide.

"You never told me anything about you. Not how much you work, your private life…"

"It is not important." Merlin interrupted.

"I think it is. But… I do trust you Merlin. I hope that someday you can tell me what is going on in your weird head."

Merlin smiled.

"I'm said this before, sire, that I will serve you until the day I die. You just have trust that I do so, and that everything will go just fine."

They stared at each other.

Finally Arthur coughed, breaking the awkward moment.

"Do you realize that you, being my… regent's manservant and all, that you can actually command other servants to help you? I know that your workload has raised, so why didn't you ever tell me that you need help?"

"Command other servants?" Merlin looked shocked. "You know that I can never do that."

"And that's the problem Merlin. I think that you have to. You don't have to always do that, but I don't want to repeat this situation again. Do you realize when someone had to replace you, they didn't know where anything here is? They don't know my routine. They don't know anything. It's annoying."

Arthur sat behind his worktable.

"Now I have to concentrate about this so, do something but don't bother me."

Merlin walked beside him and peeked over his shoulder.

"So, King Olaf is coming."

"Yes. Go. Now."

"If you…"

"I don't take any advice about my speech from you."

"You never aren't going to make it. I mean. You are a good knight and all but, your speeches…"

"What's wrong with them? I'm very capable to write my own speeches!"

"No. Do you know that if you write like that you can actually hurt his feelings? He is king! Look, this one…"

Merlin grabbed the quill pen and wrote something fast.

Arthur slapped hands on the table and stood up. "So, if you really can write better than me, show me."

Merlin took his seat and began to write.

Arthur stared at him. "You really are a girl Merlin."

"Shut up and do something knightly." Merlin hissed and continued writing.

Arthur looked at his armor and sword and grinned.

He glanced out the window.

It was the perfect weather for a bit of swordplay.

"Are you sure?"

"Go, away."

Arthur really didn't want to miss this opportunity.

He grabbed his gear.

He just had to find some servant to help with the armor.

He glanced at Merlin who didn't raise his head to look, focusing on writing.

"In the afternoon, in the training field Merlin."

"Yes yes, of course." Merlin mumbled.

Arthur stepped out side and dropped his gear to guards lap and commanded him to follow.

Then he stopped.

He was realized that Merlin was yet again taking over more work. He sighed.

"Maybe I just have to pay him more and that's it."


	8. Part 2 Sleepless

_Sleepless._

_First I though that okay, I do the sequel, but then I though that not again. I have, what, two sequel running already and one coming, so no thanks. Then again, I missed the idea for how to continue. But my overworked sleepless brain came up something today. Oooh, I got inspiration! From my own life! I haven't sleep well over two weeks. It's tiring. And now that season 4 ended (and Merlin is still keeping his secret) it made good opportunity to make tag to the last episode._

_So, I hope you still like this story._

_Enjoy…_

_(and there is nobody doing beta so forgive me my rude English, just ignore it. I think that this is going to be betaed later like before)_

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><p><em><strong>1 Year Later…<strong>_

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><p>Merlin watched how the people celebrated.<p>

He raised the toast along with the others.

Today he was sitting beside the king.

Today he wasn't a servant.

And he drank and ate, and celebrated with others.

And no one noticed how unusually silent he was.

Nobody paid any attention to how his hands were shaking.

He wished smiling good night to the king and his new queen when they left.

He joined with the boisterous Knights and laughed with them.

He followed how the people one by one, left from the hall.

Alone or in pairs, sometimes in a group to continue the celebration elsewhere.

He looked at how the few servants collected the scraps to take them their home.

He looked how the servants eyed him and bowed him like he was noble.

It felt strange.

And he sat there when the light of the candles died.

Only a large fireplace made the light.

He sat alone at the dusk, tired and sleepless.

And too many thoughts went circle on his mind.

So tired, but he couldn't sleep.

Too tired to rose anymore.

He tried to grab the goblet, but it fell over and spilled the wine on the floor.

He stared at the blood-red hue, and felt the tears burning in his eyes.

Exhaustion was took the upper-hand of him.

How much he wished that someone could be there with him, sharing the all what was happened.

Someone to tell everything.

How his hands were soiled with blood again.

How tired he had to conceal it all.

How tired he was because he couldn't sleep.

Because the nightmares.

So he sat alone waiting the dawn.


	9. Knife and blood

Gwaine cursed himself.

He was drunk and he wanted to get some sleep.

Although…

He had came across the tavern a very beautiful maid and the thing was gone well until ...

Gwaine stepped into the hall and looked around.

It was good that no one had yet been cleaned out of anything.

He headed for the place where had sat looking his knife.

He didn't want to miss it.

It had been a gift and also a very skillfully made .

It was just too perfect.

Then he realized that someone sat there near the fireplace.

"Merlin?"

The younger man startled, and lifted up.

"Gwaine?"

"Did you fall asleep in here?" Gwaine asked and then he spotted the knife. "There."

"Already lost my gift?" Merlin asked and Gwaine looked guilty.

"Sorry Merlin."

"Tom made it." Merlin whispered.

"Who?"

"Gwen's father. It is his latest works before he died."

"Knife with the story. It's perfect." Gwaine grinned and started to walk away.

"Good night Merlin. I have one little nice maid waiting…" Gwaine stopped and halted. He noticed that Merlin didn't listened him.

Merlin was staring over the fire, not seeing or hearing anything around him.

"Merlin?" Gwaine walked back.

Merlin didn't responded.

He looked tired.

Like he wasn't sleep at ages.

"Merlin?" Gwaine lowered his hand on his friend's shoulder.

Merlin turned his face towards Gwaine.

"Gwaine?"

"Is everything alright? How much you have drunk?"

Merlin just stared him, already lost in his thoughts.

"Oh no. Merlin?"

Now Gwaine was getting worried.

He remembered the last year's accident when Merlin was exhausted himself.

"Oh no, not again. Merlin, look at me."

Gwaine took Merlin's face between his palms and tried to get Merlin to respond.

"Look at me. When have you slept last time?"

"Gwaine…" Merlin tried to focus his eyes to his friend. "Tired… Can't sleep…"

"Why you didn't ask Gaius to…"

Then Gwaine remembered that Gaius was sick himself and of course Merlin didn't dare to ask help at his guardian.

And Merlin was run through the Camelot doing Gaius' works the whole week now.

"I though that we spoke this before, remember? Last year?"

"Can't… sleep. Tired, but I just can't sleep. I want but I can't." Merlin was shaking.

"We have to get you in your room. Can you stand?"

" Tired…"

"You have to try. Come on Merlin my mate. Don't do this again. You are ruining my night."

"Sorry…"

"No, no, I don't mean like that. Up and go. Really, you should eat more. I have to speak with that devil woman who claims to be this place's cook. No, I speak with Gwen, right, she can look after you. You have to find yourself a woman Merlin. What ever that princess say, your are not a girl. A man needs a woman beside of him."

"Freya…" Merlin murmured.

"Freya? Do you have someone? Good, good. I like to meet her. Merlin, use your legs, I can't just drag you all the way on your room."

Suddenly, Merlin pulled himself away from Gwaine and stood in the middle of the room.

He was trembling violently.

Gwaine watched his friend, who raised his hands in front of his face. "Blood ..."

"Merlin ..." Gwaine stepped closer and reached out his hand to get Merlin.

"Blood… in my hands ..."

"Merlin. You are tired. There is no blood in your hands."

Merlin shook his head and stepped back.

"Merlin, you're tired. Come, we must get you to sleep." Gwaine tried to spoke.

Merlin retreated more.

"You don't know ... Nobody knows ..." Merlin muttered.

Then he turned and ran.

"Like hell ... Merlin!"

And Gwaine rushed after him.

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><p><em>Now I wish good night and Happy New Year!<em>


	10. The King and The Queen

Gaius awoke.

It seemed that what older he came, the less he needed sleep.

Outside seemed to be still dark and he though whether Merlin had already came back.

He was noticed that the boy seemed to be unusually tired lately.

Gaius blamed himself.

Merlin was his ward and apprentice, but he was also so much more.

Merlin had more responsibilities than anyone else knew.

Gaius peeked inside Merlin's room and frowned.

Maybe Merlin was just stuck with Gwaine and other knights.

But something caused Gaius to doubt himself.

He was sure that he was missed something earlier in the evening.

Something about Merlin.

()

Gwaine couldn't believe himself.

Merlin was disappeared right under his nose.

He didn't know what way the boy was gone.

Gwaine cursed silently.

He knew that he had to find his friend soon.

A really soon.

Something was really wrong with Merlin.

"Gwaine?"

Gwaine turned and saw Percival and Leon walking towards him.

"Have you seen Merlin on your way here?"

"No. Why?" Leon looked confused.

"He… Remember the last year, when he got too exhausted?"

"That was bad then." Percival grunted. "Do you mean that.."

"I have really bad feeling. I think it is worse, or something else. We have been too busy lately so I didn't noticed it earlier. I know that he didn't sleep almost three days before we came back here, but I though that he slept after that. But now I think that he doesn't. He say that he can't sleep. And…"

Gwaine remembered Merlin's face when he stared his hands.

That terrified appearance

That empty gaze.

"Something else must be happened. I think he is seeing things. Leon. Please. Go see if Merlin headed back in his room. And wake Gaius. Tell him. Percival, come with me. Half our and we meet again in yard."

Gwaine didn't look back, he was already gone when Percival get his feet on move.

()

Gwen spun sleepy to her another side on the bed and realized that there wasn't anyone else. Arthur's side was empty.

"Arthur?" Gwen shore up on her elbow and searched her husband at dusk.

Arthur stood at the fireplace, staring at the flames.

"Arthur. What's the matter?"

"Hmm?" Arthur looked up in bed and startled awake on his thoughts.

"No, it's nothing, really." Arthur tried to smile.

Gwen sighed.

"Tell me."

"I just have a bad feeling about this night."

Gwen's eyebrow rose.

"About this night? Should I be offended?"

"Oh, no, no, nothing about you, or me. I have feeling that something is happening, right now. And I… No, it's nothing. Really."

Arthur walked beside the bed watching his wife.

How beautiful she was.

But Gwen looked doubtful.

"I know you Arthur and I can see that you are really worried. Don't hide that from me. You can't do that to me. Not anymore. I'm your wife."

Arthur sat and leaned forward.

"Maybe. I usually trust my guts."

"And your guts tell you…"

"That I have to go. But I don't want to." Arthur kissed her. "I want to be here. With you."

Gwen smiled. "And I want you to be here with me. But, I'm just your wife. And you are the King. You have a kingdom to rule. If something is really happening you can't forgive yourself if you hear about that not until the morning."

And she was wise too.

"Are you sure Guinevere? This is our wedding night."

"Oh, I'm sure of it. We have whole future ahead of us. It is not falling for the one night in our life." In Gwen's voice was a promise of future nights and Arthur grinned.

"Now I know why I love you." Arthur kissed her again.

"Love you too. Now. Go. And let me sleep."

Arthur dressed quickly.

When he was about to take his sword, he hesitated.

Excalibur.

His premonition got worse than ever.

But he took his sword and left.

* * *

><p><em>Thank you for your alerts, there was a LOT of them. Now I know that you are interested about this. <em>

_And that there is folks who actually like this kind of writing style. Some people just hate it. Maybe that's why I don't always write like this, but this is actually my originally style to write stories._

_And thank you for all of your reviews too. I'm sorry that I didn't responded all of you._

_I'm thinking two kind of ending, that is this going to be reveal fic or no. Both of them should work with this. _

_What do you think?_


	11. Fearing the life

Blood…

Tired…

Merlin fell on his knees and stared his hands.

Those hands, his hands, his magic, his destiny.

Tired…

He wanted to cry and scream.

He wanted…

He wanted to tell.

About him.

About his magic.

About everything.

The truth…

And those lies.

So many lies.

Too many.

Just too many.

Merlin leaned forward over his knees and buried his head on his hands.

He tried to breath, but his chest felt too heavy.

It felt like all what had happened over those years, everything was falling over his heart.

Each of which he had lost.

Each of which he was killed.

Anyone who had ever trusted him.

He was afraid of losing even more.

He was afraid…

Afraid that one day he would stand alone, fearing...

Fearing that no one would forgive him.

Tired.

So tired.

He wanted to sleep.

Sleep.

But those nightmares.

Those faces.

That blood everywhere.

That fire and destruction.

How much he afraid the next day.

More lies.

More blood in his hands.

More mistakes.

How he could handle anything?

How he could do anything?

And how he could trust anyone?

He couldn't trust even himself!

Tired…

He didn't hear the steps, how they slowed and finally stopped near of him.

"Merlin?"

Merlin startled and looked up.

Arthur.

Oh gods, it was Arthur.


	12. Really

Arthur stared his friend with surprise.

"Merlin, is something wrong?"

Merlin scrambled to his feet and retreated.

"All is well. Why not?"

But their eyes didn't met.

"_Mer_lin?" Arthur took a step forward.

Merlin took a step back.

"I must go." Merlin turned to leave.

"You do not even ask why I'm here." Arthur said.

Merlin came to a halt.

"I ... Why you are here? "

"_Merlin_." Arthur frowned. He saw clearly that something wrong with his friend. He noticed how Merlin swallowed. Merlin wasn't even able to watch directly to him. Then he heard running steps.

"Merlin!"

Merlin's eyes went wild when he spun around to see Gwaine and Percival coming.

"Merlin, thank gods we found you. Arthur?" Gwaine looked really surprised when he saw the king standing there.

"What a hell is going on?" Arthur commanded to know. He watched how Merlin tried to retreat.

"Stop right there Merlin."

Merlin froze.

"Sire, I don't think you should do that." Percival said, his eyes locked in Merlin.

"Do what?" Now Arthur was really confused when he looked his two knights.

"Use that voice. You know, that ´I'm the king so you do what ever I asked you to do´ tone." Gwaine's gaze was also locked in Merlin.

Arthur looked again his friend.

Now much carefully.

Merlin was trembling.

"Merlin. Everything is alright. We should go to your room that you can sl…" Gwaine came closer.

"I can't." Merlin's voice was mere whisper.

"Gaius will help you to sleep."

"Tired." Merlin closed his eyes.

Then it hit to Arthur.

"Oh no." He murmured.

Not again.

He didn't want to do this again.

"You are again exhausted yourself Merlin. You just need couple of days off, right princess?" Gwaine glanced to Arthur.

"I'm sorry Merlin. I should have noticed." Arthur stepped forward again.

And he was swore back then that this was never going to happen again.

Really.

"If you take a life do you know what it makes you?" Merlin asked suddenly.

Arthur glanced back to Gwaine who shook his head.

"I think he see things. Earlier…"

"I do not see things!" Merlin's cry astonished them.

"Merlin, please, calm down." Gwaine stepped closer.

Merlin didn't even watch him.

He stared Arthur.

"If you take a life do you know what it makes you?" Merlin asked again.

"Merlin, I have…"

"You won't like what it is. I know that you are knight. I know how much you have killed but…" Merlin watched his hands.

"All their blood in my hands. I didn't meant that. I never meant that they die because of my decisions."

Now Arthur felt scared.

Something about Merlin was different.

Obviously Merlin wasn't himself.

But same time to Arthur Merlin looked more himself than ever.

Like those times when he was so wise.

"I'm nothing so divine that I know for sure anything, but I should know _something_." Merlin's voice was full of despair.

"Merlin, you are not making any kind of sense." Arthur shook his head.

"No, I'm not. I know because I have lied so long now. I'm tired to lie anymore. I'm tired of hiding anymore. I'm pretended so long that I'm… That I'm… Gods, I don't know who I'm anymore."

"You are Merlin. You are my most loyal servant ever. You are my friend. When I have should listened you and I didn't you were still there and trusted me. You made me a king again. You see this sword? I know that fairy tale what you told back then was just a lie, but it worked. You always know what to do when I don't. You are my advisor Merlin. You are my most trusted man."

Merlin started to laugh.

His laugh was dry and hard, there wasn't any kind of joy or happiness in it.

It made Arthur feel cold.

"Merlin…" Arthur whispered and took again step forward, in same time that Gwaine.

"No, don't come closer." Merlin yelled when Gwaine tried to catch him.

What happened next, Arthur wasn't sure.

He run forward to help Gwaine.

Suddenly, in Merlin's hand was a long knife and he swiped it first toward Gwaine, then toward Arthur to keep them away.

Arthur reacted as always.

His knight training took over him.

And he had already a sword in his hand.

No, he really didn't meant what happened next.

Really, he didn't.

Really.


	13. I can sleep now

"I'm sorry Arthur." Merlin head rested in his shoulder.

"No, Merlin, no…" Arthur was keeping him up, his hands around Merlin's thin body.

"I have lied so many years, so many times." Merlin whispered in his ear.

"Please, Merlin, please…" When Arthur looked down, he could saw the sword's tip what was came out of Merlin's back when it was gone through him.

"I can… sleep now." Merlin's legs bent.

They fell on their knees.

Arthur still held his friend.

"Merlin?"

"I think… that… my…" Merlin coughed blood.

"No, no, nonono…" Arthur pegged.

"You.. are… g-od… ki-. … Su- … it. Yo- h-…. Gwen."

Arthur just knew that Merlin was smiling.

"You idiot." Arthur whispered back.

"Prat."

Arthur felt how Merlin's whole body became heavy.

He held him tighter.

He closed his eyes.

"Merlin…"

But he never got any answer.

* * *

><p><em>Good night. <em>


	14. Forgive me

_I tried._

_I really tried._

_Forgive me._

_I'm just too tired._

_I'm tired of looking over my shoulder and to be afraid._

_I'm tired to wondering what I've got to do._

_I'm so tired to be alone…_

_I'm tired to wonder who I'm._

_And I really don't want to pretend anymore._

_I don't want to lie anymore._

_I hope that you understand._

_Now I don't need to be anything other than what I'm Arthur._

_Now I don't need to be something what I'm not._

_You will survive over this._

_You have your knights._

_You have Gwen._

_You have your life…_

_I'm sorry…_

_Forgive me…_

_Arthur…_

…


	15. I forgive you

He didn't hear anything.

He didn't saw anything.

He didn't felt anything.

Nothing existed around him.

Only his friend death's pale face and empty eyes stared him.

Blood on his hands.

Merlin's blood.

But he though that he could hear his voice.

His weak whisper from those lips.

_I tried._

"No you didn't." He whispered.

_I really tried._

_Forgive me._

"Why Merlin, why?"

_I'm just too tired._

"Why didn't you told? Why?"

_I'm tired of looking over my shoulder and afraid._

"Why you were so afraid?"

_I'm tired to wondering what I've got to do._

"What? What you have to do? Tell me…"

_I'm so tired to be alone…_

"No, no, you are not alone. Never. We are here. I'm here. But you left us!"

_I'm tired to wonder who I'm._

_And I really don't want pretend anymore._

_I hope that you understand. _

" But I don't understand…"

_Now I don't need to be anything other than what I'm Arthur._

_Now I don't need to be something what I'm not._

"Merlin…"

_You will survive over this._

"No…"

_You have your knights._

_You have Gwen._

_You have your life…_

"No…"

_I'm sorry…_

"Don't…"

_Forgive me…_

"I…"

_Arthur…_

…

Nothing.

He stared his friend's face.

"Merlin? I can't hear you anymore. You have to speak to me. Don't shut up now, please. Not now. Not ever. Merlin. Please. I forgive anything. Anything, do you hear me! You can tell me what is wrong with you. I trust you. Now, trust me. Please. Just. Live. Please. Live. Merlin… I'm so sorry… so sorry… Please, please… Oh gods, I killed you… Merlin!"

And he cried.

His painful howl made people to turn restlessly in their sleep.

And nobody was able to come a step forward towards the king.

The sorrow broke the heart of everyone.

And so Arthur wept over the man.

* * *

><p><em>Good point to stop this here and now, don't you think? But if I got some good reviews maybe I make some more. But this is good point to end this, really...<em>


	16. You are right

"You need to let go. Arthur."

_No._

_Never. _

"I killed him."

No one answered him.

He felt a light touch on his shoulder.

Guinevere.

"Arthur ..." How sad her voice was.

" I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Arthur whispered.

"You need to lay him to the ground."

He knew.

He had broke her heart.

"No."

"Arthur ..."

Arthur felt Merlin's heavy body against himself.

_No._

"It's already morning. We need.. we need to take him down to the…"

"No!"

"He is dead Arthur. And it's your fault."

Gwaine.

Of course.

"But… I can't blame you. No one can. Perhaps this was due to happen. Merlin ...

"No!" Arthur was surprised how angry he was.

Angry at himself.

Angry people who were trying to ... Trying what?

Arthur looked Merlin.

How mad he was at him.

Merlin, smile resting on the face.

He seemed to just sleeping.

"No. Never. Not like this. Not now. Never like this."

Arthur was so sure.

In his life he had been assured only rarely about anything.

But this he knew.

Merlin was supposed to live.

Whatever Merlin said, this was wrong.

_You are right_.

Who was it?

Arthur raised his gaze.

Rising sun's light glittered through the window.

Someone stood there, surrounded by that light.

"Lancelot?"


	17. Lancelot

"Lancelot?"

Lancelot smiled, but then he saw why he was there.

Merlin.

His friend.

He walked forward.

When he passed Guinevere, his hand gently wiped her face.

Light as a breath of wind.

Guinevere trembled.

Arthur stared the knight.

"How? How you are here?"

Arthur's voice was barely a whisper.

Lancelot knelt down and stretched out his hand.

"Because of him. Arthur. You're right. It is not his time. Give him to me."

Lancelot saw how the king hesitated.

"Is this sorcery?"

"No. I'll only pay back my debt to him." Lancelot said.

"I, killed him."

"Yes, but we can repair this mistake. Just, let me."

And tenderly Lancelot took Merlin Arthur's lap and put him to the ground.

"Merlin, my friend."

He put his hand over the wound.

"You always sacrifice too much. You need to learn that you can't do everything alone. You need to start trust others. All what you have done our sakes ... All what you have done for me. Merlin. Live. Your life does not end for decades. Not like this, never like this. "

The golden light that surrounds the knight ran through his hands.

Soon Merlin glowed, and his skin shimmers in silver.

_Merlin._

_Merlin, come back to us._

_Merlin…_


	18. The Darkness

The darkness.

All-consuming darkness.

It was cold.

_Merlin. _

So cold.

_Merlin. _

Whisper sounded ever louder.

It sounded very familiar.

"Lancelot." Merlin whispered back.

Golden light flashed in the darkness.

_Merlin, go back. _

"How do I ...? I am tired. I want to sleep."

_Not Merlin. You have to go back. _

"Freya ..."

_She is not here. Even I'm not here. Don't you understand. This darkness, you yourself has made it. I finally realized how heavy burden you carry. I've seen what is to come. You need to go back. Without you ... _

"No ..."

_Without you none of them don't survive. You're their only hope. _

The golden light picked up. Hand reached out toward Merlin.

"But, Arthur, he ... I died."

_No Merlin. Don't you feel it. Your magic. Your powers. You don't yet know everything about yourself. You don't know what all you will still come experience and learn. You don't still know why you are there. Not really. So no, Merlin. You can not die. Not now. Not never. _

"Cold ..."

_Come, I will show you the way out. _

And Lancelot was standing completely front of him.

_Feel you power. Heel yourself. And I show the way out. You have rested enough. _

Merlin took Lancelot's outstretched hand.

He felt how the heat and light returned slowly.

He felt the magic around him.

Merlin smiled.

_Just, don't make this habit, Merlin. You really have to short out your tiredness some other way._


	19. Remember these times

_Arthur. _

Arthur looked at Lancelot.

"Is he ...?"

_Yes_.

Arthur watched again the wound which expired slowly before his eyes. The golden light faded gradually. Lancelot pulled his arm away.

_Arthur_.

"Thank you, thank you ..."

_I only showed him the way. In time, eventually you'll understand better. I ask. Please be patient with him. When the time comes, listen to him carefully. And remember all the things he has done for you._

"I don't understand ..."

_No you don't. Not yet. Promises that you will remember this night when the time comes. _

"Lancelot ..."

_Promise. _Lancelot demanded.

"How could I forget. I promise. But ..."

Lancelot smiled and looked at Merlin.

_Welcome back, my friend. _

Arthur looked downward.

Merlin's eyes were open.

His hand reached out toward the knight.

"Thank you."

Lancelot grabbed Merlin's hand for a moment.

_We see someday again. Remember what I said. _

Then Lancelot was gone.

But Arthur hardly realized it. He looked at Merlin whose skin still glowed faintly.

"You, you live."

Merlin blinked, and Arthur saw the tears.

"I'm sorry, Arthur."

Arthur shook his head.

"You ... I ... I killed you ... I ..."

"Arthur. You're not a murderer. You never could be." Merlin smiled.

Arthur went speechless.

He looked his closest friend, and felt a sudden relief. He realized that everything should be fine. Whatever would happen, Merlin would remain by his side. He didn't want question what had happened and how Merlin was again alive. He decided to be just happy that his error was not irreversible. This time.

He felt a sudden cold chills passing through.

"Merlin. I think that we need to keep a slightly longer conversation than the last time. Third time and I kick you out of this town. Did you hear me?"

Merlin sighed.

"Yes, Arthur."

They stared each other.

"What do you think, are you able to stand?" Arthur held out his hand, and Merlin took it.

"Let's try."


	20. Part 3 Freya

**Part 3, set after season 5.**

For a moment, for a day, he didn't know what next.

He sat there, watching the lake.

Waiting something.

The sign.

He was lost, and tired.

He couldn't think anything anymore but how he had failed.

But there was no tears left to share, it felt like his heart was stopped its beating and he was getting colder.

The night came, and the morning rose, when finally Merlin could hear her.

_Merlin…_

The whisper travel over the water and Merlin held his breath and rose.

_My love…_

She appeared through the mist walking on the surface of the lake, her eyes sad.

"Freya." Merlin reached his hand and Freya was there in his arms. "Freya…"

_I'm sorry…_

Merlin hugged her tightly. "Is he…?"

_He will wait the time come. _

"How long?"

_Years and years. But someday he is here again. _

"I wait."

_You can come with me Merlin._

Merlin looked the woman who he loved with surprise.

"With you?"

_Yes. You can never take a step into the Avalon until your time is over, when ever that may be, but you can come with me, be with me. And you can sleep and rest. _

"I'm tired..." Merlin buried his face in Freya's hairs.

_I know. Come._

"No."

_Merlin…_

"Not yet. I have some things to do. Gwen…"

Freya smiled.

_Of course. But, when you are ready, you know that I'm here waiting you to come. _

She withdrew still holding Merlin's hand.

_Someday you come?_

"I promise. Someday I come." Merlin sighed, longing to follow his love.

_Then we see again my love._

A moment their finger refused to part.

"I love you."

_Forever…_

And she was gone.


	21. Guinevere My Queen

He was there when Gwen came in and sent her servants away.

He was there and hesitated.

"Gwen…"

He stepped out of the shadows when the Queen of Camelot turned hearing very familiar voice calling her.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't do anything."

Gwen stared him like she was seeing a ghost. Eventually she just nodded.

"I know. I'm sorry too. But you were there when…" Gwen's voice broke a bit.

"Yes."

"He was with his best friend. He loved you so much. He meant so much to you."

"He's my life." Merlin admitted and suddenly Gwen looked crushed and there were tears in her eyes. "Oh Merlin…"

Merlin shook his head. "It's fine. He'll come back when the Albion needs him again. And I wait him to be with him again."

Gwen looked away. "Being his shadow."

"Being his friend."

"His advisor. His servant. _His protector_. Why you never told anything?"

"I… I don't know. Maybe if I had told he would be alive."

"And maybe you would be dead instead." Now Gwen turned to see him fully. "No. Maybe this was right thing." She steeled herself. "And… she?"

"She's dead."

Merlin's eyes turned cold, he regret nothing.

"Good."

Then Gwen just sprinted over the room to Merlin's arms.

"I'm afraid, Arthur's legacy…" She sobbed and Merlin hold her.

"You'll be fine. You are strong. Stronger than any of us."

"I'm so alone. I missed you. And I miss Arthur so much." Gwen cried now openly. Merlin just hold her. He opened his mind, pushing bit the waves of magic around them, to _see_. And what he saw made him smile.

"You'll be happy Gwen. You found love again, not same kind what you have felt toward Arthur, but maybe even something better."

"How can anything be better than what I had?" Gwen whispered, her crying stopping bit by bit.

"You see Gwen, one day, you see." He kissed her forehead. "I must go. I have to see Gaius. It was good to see you. Good to see that you are alive and well."

"You too." Gwen sighed and smiled her brave smile. Merlin squashed her hands before he let go and turned away.

"Merlin."

"Yes?" Merlin turned to see her. Gwen hesitated.

"Can I… Arthur, can I see him again, someday. When this all is over. Can I be there when his time come again?"

How desperate she sounded. Merlin smiled.

"You'll be there. We are all there."

And again he turned to leave, but just that he was about to open the door and say his goodbyes, Gwen spoke again.

"Merlin?"

This time he didn't turned. He knew what she was asking.

"You are going away. You leave us."

_Don't ask me to stay_, his mind screamed, because he knew that if Gwen would ask, he would stay, and it wasn't his path to take.

"I can't stay. My place isn't here anymore. Arthur's time is gone. You are here now and this is your fight now."

"Will you come if…"

"I'm around. When you truly need me, I'm here again. Until that day, My Queen."

"Goodbye Merlin, my friend." Gwen whispered when the door closed.


	22. Gaius

He walked through those familiar corridors, walked up where he found the familiar door and he hesitated.

But finally he opened the door and stepped inside sensing

His home.

"Merlin, you came." Gaius spread his arms and Merlin walked to meet him. And they stood there for a long time.

"I'm so sorry Merlin." Gaius whispered finally and Merlin let him go.

"I think its okay now. I'm more tired than anything." Merlin sighed and sat when Gaius led him beside the table and started to make a late dinner.

Home.

Merlin closed his eyes.

"I can't stay long. There's so much to do. Morgana is dead and there is no one in Old Religion. They need me now."

"What is coming now?" Gaius asked, sitting opposite his ward. Merlin's eyes were still shut.

"The old gods fades and new ones comes. Life is a circle. We'll meet again in some point." Merlin spoke like in dream, his voice light.

"And the magic?" Gaius asked hopefully.

"It never fades. It' here." Merlin opened his eyes, his hand resting over his heart and he was smiling. "It's safe. And there'll be always some people who understand. I'll make sure of it."

"Then eat and rest this nigh." Gaius smiled and Merlin nodded, digging into his dinner, not remembering when he had eat last time.

Gaius watched him.

Smiled.

And he knew that before morning Merlin would be gone and he would never see him again.

Suddenly Merlin looked up.

"Oh, I think you have to keep eye on Gwen."

"Why?"

"Because of Arhur's legacy."

"Hmm?"

"The child. Arthur's child." Merlin smiled and Gaius stared him.

"Child. _A child_? _Arthur's _child?"

"Who's else? With Gwen I mean."

"A child. A boy?"

"Yes."

"Does she know?"

"Not yet. Soon. I didn't want to tell her."

"But you hinted something."

"Of course."

They grinned both.

And one finally time Merlin slept in his old room, in his old bed, and took everything in his heart before he left, whispering some spells to the air to protect his friend, his guardian, his father.

So he left the last time.

Knowing that someday he would be back.


	23. Grave of friend

When standing front of Gwaine's grave, Merlin couldn't but feel himself so empty.

He had lost every one of them.

They have lost so many during the war. But Gwaine, loyal cheerful Gwaine, never he had though such a fate to that man.

"Merlin?"

Merlin startled and spun around to face the one who hadn't died.

"You're alive." Percival seemed relieved and happy and suddenly Merlin lunged himself forward to his friend's arms broken and cried and cried. Percival hold him in tight hug tears on his eyes until Merlin finally calmed down.

"Sorry." Merlin murmured when his breathing smoothed.

"You never have to apologise. Are you alright?"

Merlin shook his head. "Not yet anyway. Maybe someday, when it's time." Merlin turned to watch the grave again.

"He blamed himself when he died. That he…" Percival couldn't say it.

"No, not his fault. It was me. My stupidity and how slow was." Merlin kneeled and touched the ground. "Never your fault Gwaine." His fingers dig in the dirt. "You hear me Gwaine?"

And he pushed his will to the earth where the knight lay.

"Merlin…" Percival kneeled beside his friend and saw the golden eyes. "You?"

"I'm so sorry. Gwaine, come, don't blame yourself anymore."

And the air around them sighed deeply.

"My friends." Gwaine stood there, his eyes sad, his body translucent in sun shine, but smiling.

"You can rest now Gwaine." Merlin smiled back. "Go, until we meet again. Arthur will need you."

Gwaine studied the warlock and nodded. "Knew that you were so different and so much more then any of us. Thank you." Then he looked the other knight. "Protect my Queen, promise me."

"With my life old friend." Percival bowed and Gwaine was gone again.

Merlin stood but he couldn't face Percival anymore.

"We see around again, would we?" Percival asked, knowing that he wouldn't get back Merlin ever again. The younger man was chanced a way that couldn't understand anymore.

"Yes. I stick around." Merlin flashed a small smile and turned to leave. Then he stopped, his head bent. "If anything happens, call the druids. They know where to find me."

"Sure. Goodbye."

But Merlin was gone.


	24. Among us

Time to time they saw him.

He was there when Arthur's son born.

He was there when Gaius died.

He was there when they all died.

Walking among us, getting older and older.

He was a lot wiser now and more powerful.

He watched how the world chanced the way he had never imaged.

How the kings and queens rose and fell.

How the wars destroyed people again and again.

There were legends, there were stories, and he smiled when he heard them.

He travelled far a way and walked among the stars.

But one day he walked the road and he stopped.

Avalon.

No, it wasn't time yet.

He was tired but he knew.

He would rest the day when Arthur was finally back.

So he continued his journey and walked among us.

Until the day came…


End file.
